Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
