i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
