The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
