you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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