He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
