If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
