Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
