she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
