If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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