I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
