You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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