All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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