i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
