I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
