the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
