also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
