Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
