Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
