I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize