Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
