I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
