I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize