Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
