3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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