I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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