I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
