I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
