Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
