If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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