This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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