My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
