I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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