I am full of burrito and curiosity
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
