dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
