Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
