Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize