Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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