Who did Billy Mays play for?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
