You really coming over, don't trick.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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