you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
