i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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