Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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