Just fell off a train. Bad.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
