Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
