True but thats because hes a fetus.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
