Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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