Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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