someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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