He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
