A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
