his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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