Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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