i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
