glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
