I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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