I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
